Nothing strange. I often dream about her, and yesterday I received a new e-mail from Africa.
A strange dream…
Me in Kivumi at someone’s place. And Kivumi became a city in my dream. Big city.
I can see Revocat on the other side of the road and I can barely cross it because of the heavy traffic (and there are no cars down there, otherwise). I reach the place where I saw Revocat, but he disappeared. I’m looking, I’m looking, but I can’t find him and I can’t even see his dearest eyes, in that crowd with too many people and some children I don’t know.
I didn’t find him until the end of the dream.
Sadness. I have a lot going on these days. I pass them as if I were living someone else’s life. A lot went wrong and I lost a lot. Yes, lost, cheated on me again, every day something new, worse.
I’m saying that it doesn’t concern me, but it really does. How I lie to myself… that’s mastery. Then I act like it doesn’t even matter. How bad I act… I’m the first candidate for the Golden Raspberry Award – the opposite of the Oscar, you know… It’s important, damn it doesn’t matter! And those events in my life I did not at all, as gurus, motivators and their ilk would say – invoke. I AM NOT.
Just as I am not this dream.
So, I thought that I had sunk enough and that it couldn’t get any worse. And it can. He always can.
Well, that dream… has nothing to do with reality, and this morning I woke up the saddest ever. How childish. Of all the ugly things that happened to me in real life, that dream about Africa is the ugliest to me. Most difficult. The worst, the most incisive.
I can’t tell you how much I miss Revocat… I miss it so much it hurts. Real physical pain.
And what now? Only tears help… They are the only ones I always have with me.
I have to appear down there… I have to go to Africa… I have to.
Love can also make people sick, and that’s the last thing I want for myself and others.
05.04.2021.
